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T O P I C R E V I E WDuke Of URLI was cruising around on the web when a headline that, for a moment, looked like "Sylvester Stallone planning John Glenn biopic".When I came to, I saw it was John Gotti, not Glenn. But then I got to thinking - always a dangerous undertaking - what if it WAS a John Glenn picture starring Sly? Who would play Big Al... Gordo... Gus... Deke... Wally and the Dynamic Pioneer?I'm not going to sleep tonight wondering how Sly can work Burt Young into the picture and the name of the evil cosmonaut he battles in the film's climax.Delta7Burt Young: "Wally, I didn't panic and pull no pin. The hatch just blew!"jasonelamPerhaps Mr. Gorsky as the name of the nemesis?mjanovecI would cast Mr. T as Gus Grissom. "I pity the fool who says I blew the hatch."ea757grrlI'm already picturing Sly-as-Glenn out running around CCAFS to get in shape, culminating in his triumphant jog up the ramp at LC-14, where he reaches the top and throws his fists in the air....WehaveliftoffJohn Glenn is taller than Sly. How will this fly?Duke Of URLIt's not supposed to fly, it's a Sylvester Stallone movie. It just sits there on your plate like a huge mound of overcooked (but, oddly enough, half-baked at the same time) lasagna.There are a bunch of in the 'cuse that view it as our duty as Italians to see every Sylvester Stallone picture at the fanciest multiplex in town. We pay our $6 - we go to the matinee because we're old enough for the discount and cheap enough to take it - buy our Roger Ebert Tub 'O' Death size popcorn plus a $4.49 jug of colored sugar water and proceed to the loge. There to be entranced by 2 solid hours of grunting and dialog like, "Hey, Carmine, you may know what you know, but it ain't you know, you know?" followed by a bell ringing, general mayhem and more grunts. Of course we wait until the love scenes to get some Gummi Worms and JuJi Fruits to act as floss for the popcorn.To our horror as we return to our seats we've crossed several dimensions - it was that damn iridium coil melting the popcorn's butter flavored palm oil based topping. It has shorted and opened a door to a strange universe where Sly IS playing John Glenn! We're Italians and have to watch!So we sit down and watch the picture. Sly is, indeed, John Glenn and has been challenged by the feared 7'4" 345 pound cosmonaut Boris Bulba (the Russians don't have our size limits because their rockets are bigger).Boris Bulba beats the white off John Glenn. He sits bloody, bruised and battered in his corner Then his trainer Scott Carpenter shouts desperately, "Remember Magnet A**!" The Rocky music starts....out comes Boris Bulba and nearly tears Glenn's head off. But all of a sudden Glenn smashes a right to Bulba'a midsection! He's really serving Bulba Rib Roast with all these body shots! Finally Boris Bulba is knocked out. Someone drapes Glenn with the flag, and right there he negotiates ASTP, visits to MIR and the joint venture to build the ISS.Finally, the revelation that Rocky music is a constant throughout the dimensions dawns when the credits roll over the Rocky Theme Song.When we slip through the portal back to our Earth we hip SETI to this fact. By playing the Rocky Tune and, especially "Eye Of The Tiger" we make contact with these beings. Sylvester Stallone becomes head of the UN and Frank Stallone is given NASA's highest honor.Then I came to, and it was still Gotti.issman1Chiaki Mukai played by Megan Fox in a NASA swimsuit?garymilgromHello Hollywood? We've had a problem...Delta7With Dolph Lundgren starring as Vitaly Gorchenko, a genetically-engineered "Super Cosmonaut" who can compute rendezvous trajectories faster than any on-board computer, and pick up massive lunar boulders and hurl them at Stallone (Glenn) during the epic battle for claim to Tranquility Base;(The late) Burgess Meredith as Xavier "Corky" Fitzsimmons, the crusty old astronaut trainer, known for wearing a knit cap, t-shirt and towel around his shoulders while at his console in mission control;Mr. T as the Mohawk-sporting jewelry-festooned astronaut Cornelius "T-Bone" Hawkins, a former test pilot rival of Glenn's who followed him into the astronaut corps and has an irrational fear of simulators ("I pity the foo who thinks I'm gonna go through a launch abort scenario in that train wreck death box! ... Pity the foo!")Brigitte Nielsen as sultry, designer space suit-wearing cosmonaut Yelena Gagarinova, who turns against her Soviet masters and joins forces with Glenn in his battle against Gorchenko, despite being mistrusted by Corky Fitzsimmons who advises Glenn he's a "fool" for letting a dame, a Commie one at that, to take his eye off of the lunar prize.
When I came to, I saw it was John Gotti, not Glenn. But then I got to thinking - always a dangerous undertaking - what if it WAS a John Glenn picture starring Sly? Who would play Big Al... Gordo... Gus... Deke... Wally and the Dynamic Pioneer?
I'm not going to sleep tonight wondering how Sly can work Burt Young into the picture and the name of the evil cosmonaut he battles in the film's climax.
"I pity the fool who says I blew the hatch."
There are a bunch of in the 'cuse that view it as our duty as Italians to see every Sylvester Stallone picture at the fanciest multiplex in town. We pay our $6 - we go to the matinee because we're old enough for the discount and cheap enough to take it - buy our Roger Ebert Tub 'O' Death size popcorn plus a $4.49 jug of colored sugar water and proceed to the loge.
There to be entranced by 2 solid hours of grunting and dialog like, "Hey, Carmine, you may know what you know, but it ain't you know, you know?" followed by a bell ringing, general mayhem and more grunts. Of course we wait until the love scenes to get some Gummi Worms and JuJi Fruits to act as floss for the popcorn.
To our horror as we return to our seats we've crossed several dimensions - it was that damn iridium coil melting the popcorn's butter flavored palm oil based topping. It has shorted and opened a door to a strange universe where Sly IS playing John Glenn! We're Italians and have to watch!
So we sit down and watch the picture. Sly is, indeed, John Glenn and has been challenged by the feared 7'4" 345 pound cosmonaut Boris Bulba (the Russians don't have our size limits because their rockets are bigger).
Boris Bulba beats the white off John Glenn. He sits bloody, bruised and battered in his corner Then his trainer Scott Carpenter shouts desperately, "Remember Magnet A**!"
The Rocky music starts....out comes Boris Bulba and nearly tears Glenn's head off. But all of a sudden Glenn smashes a right to Bulba'a midsection! He's really serving Bulba Rib Roast with all these body shots! Finally Boris Bulba is knocked out.
Someone drapes Glenn with the flag, and right there he negotiates ASTP, visits to MIR and the joint venture to build the ISS.
Finally, the revelation that Rocky music is a constant throughout the dimensions dawns when the credits roll over the Rocky Theme Song.
When we slip through the portal back to our Earth we hip SETI to this fact. By playing the Rocky Tune and, especially "Eye Of The Tiger" we make contact with these beings. Sylvester Stallone becomes head of the UN and Frank Stallone is given NASA's highest honor.
Then I came to, and it was still Gotti.
(The late) Burgess Meredith as Xavier "Corky" Fitzsimmons, the crusty old astronaut trainer, known for wearing a knit cap, t-shirt and towel around his shoulders while at his console in mission control;
Mr. T as the Mohawk-sporting jewelry-festooned astronaut Cornelius "T-Bone" Hawkins, a former test pilot rival of Glenn's who followed him into the astronaut corps and has an irrational fear of simulators ("I pity the foo who thinks I'm gonna go through a launch abort scenario in that train wreck death box! ... Pity the foo!")
Brigitte Nielsen as sultry, designer space suit-wearing cosmonaut Yelena Gagarinova, who turns against her Soviet masters and joins forces with Glenn in his battle against Gorchenko, despite being mistrusted by Corky Fitzsimmons who advises Glenn he's a "fool" for letting a dame, a Commie one at that, to take his eye off of the lunar prize.
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